I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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