I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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