apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
