I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
