When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
