don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
