I met the friendliest cop last night
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
