apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
