Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
