I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
