if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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