I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
