i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
