go do what you do best...puke behind churches
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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