I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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