The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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