So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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