We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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