i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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