Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
