Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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