I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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