I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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