Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
