During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
