At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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