The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
