he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
