The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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