May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
