All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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