I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
