i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
