allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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