i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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