not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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