What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
