Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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