Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
