feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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