I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
