Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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