Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
