My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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