I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
