Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
