Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
