I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
