The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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