My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
