apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i love accidental penises.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
