I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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