Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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