final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
