I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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