he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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