wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
