I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
