Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
