is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
