matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
