I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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