how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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