I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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