This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My vagina is officially offended.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
