You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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