We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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