when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
