My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
